Men, particularly young men are suffering and crying out, yet we don't seem to be listening. Abusive, arrogant, destructive behaviors by men are being called out, yet rarely with curiosity and concern for the underpinnings that have contributed to these uninitiated behaviors. 75% of suicides and drug overdoses are among men. There are 10 mass shootings a week, with a majority of the perpetrators being white men ages 15-30. Many men express a deep feeling of isolation, disenfranchised and being marginalized. When I ask the men in the groups I run about friendships, overwhelmingly the response is, "I don't have any friends." Combine these startling realities with the easy access to guns and it should not be surprising at the horrific outcomes. It is at this juncture of the discussion that the ongoing debate about gun control ramps up. I'm suggesting a different focus-Older men need to mentor younger men by seeking mentees to address the the crisis of our young men.
The old adage is, " when the student is ready, the teacher will show up." I suggest we must flip this around 180 degrees. Men must seek younger men to offer, connection, support, and guidance. We can no longer afford to sit back and wait for men to seek mentorship.
Mentoring was popularized from the classic story, The Odyssey. Mentor was the loyal adviser, who was guided by Athena- god of wisdom, to Odysseus. When Telemachus, Odysseus's son becomes overwhelmed by the invasion of Troy and his mother's vulnerability due to Odysseus being away on his Hero's journey, he weeps as he walks aimlessly along the beach. This is when Mentor appears. The story is clear, when our young ones are suffering, mentor will show up. Surely, our young men are weeping, yet where are the mentors? The Hero's journey is marked by the first phase, the call. Unfortunately, most men in our highly distracted culture rarely hear or follow the call. The acting out of our young men is their lament of the deep sorrow and anger that fills their hearts. This is our call to action. Further analysis of the story illustrates the necessity , maturity, and self-empowerment of following "The Call" by Odysseus. Meanwhile, the disempowerment, isolation and despair of young men are being ignored by older men and the present culture. How would you respond if the traditional view was held, that all children are our children.
Culturally young men are in the presence of older men, other than their fathers, only through coaches, clergy, and the relatively few male teachers. Unfortunately, clergy have had a long history of abuse, too often coaches are shaming, and critical, and teachers pressured to focus solely on academics while limiting personal connection all restrict the time for boys and young men to be witnessed, supported and guided. With many fathers being absent either physically, emotionally, addicted to: work, alcohol, or carry too much wounding that they lack the skills or time to model healthy masculinity, our boys and young men suffer.
There have been several articles in the NY Times over the last six months addressing the the plight of our young men, where isolation, anger, and disenfranchisement run rampant. Recent studies reveal more women are attending and graduating from college than young men. This is a significant shift. Further studies indicate an increase in young men living with their parents leading unproductive lives. Mentoring is now a necessity. A good friend of mine mentored a friend's son who had special needs. For over fifteen years he set up times to be together, and made regular phone calls to connect. The difference this made in this young man's life, who now attends college, is immeasurable.
In order for boys to learn and develop as men with: confidence, emotional intelligence, and qualities displaying healthy masculinity, they must be witnessed, guided, and blessed by older men who model these very characteristics. Thus, mentoring requires that the mentor does his own personal healing in order to bring authentic compassion and guidance. Therefore the call is two fold, for mentors to bring awareness to their inner worlds while also seeking to be a presence in young men's lives.
I trust by now I've made the case for a call to action, we, you and I must seek boys and younger men to mentor. We can not afford to wait any longer. If not you, who? If not now , when? Assuming you are willing and now wonder how you might mentor, here are some suggestions:
Start a club at your church, temple, mosk- especially activities that are not sports related.
Start a men's group at your church, temple, mosk...
Volunteer on a local sports team, even if you don't play that sport.
Schedule time with a friend's kid ( "It takes a village to raise a boy")
Keep your eyes and ears open to kids at church, kids that your children talk about... that are loners, kids that are bullied... and find ways to connect with them.
Research programs and activities for: boys, fathers and sons and include boys that don't have fathers...
Spend quality time with your son / grandson and listen to him, encourage his thinking, validate his feelings...
Get into or start and men's group- for as you do your personal growth work, you become more accessible and skilled at offering what boys and young men need- A model of healthy masculinity.
Seek your own: Mentor. Therapy. Men's gatherings...
Resources:
Returntothefire.com programs for men and fathers & sons, fathers and daughters
Boys to men usa
Mentoring to manhood - New England
COMEGA - Ct Men's Gathering
Mentoring - info@boystomen.org
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